Monday, April 22, 2013

The Chair

I finally got the Jag back - yea! Jose, god bless him, brought it back a couple of days ago. Unfortunately I don't have anywhere to go. No job enterviews this week. The upside is that I don't have any extra gas money anyhow.

While driving back from the repair shop I decided to cruise by the Beverly Hills house and pick up my 'mail', which is actually a stack of papers in grocery bag that Aurora, Barney's housekeeper, saves for me. We get along well and have in common childhoods spent in the San Joaquin Valley. She grew up in dusty little farm town about fifty miles from Fresno, which is my hometown. Anyway, she saves stuff from Barney's office trash that might prove helpful to me - reciepts, invoices, correspondence, or whatever - and stashes the bag in the alley behind the dumpster. Barney never goes back there and Harmony apparently doesn't even know where the alley is so there's not much chance that I'll get caught.

Aurora detests Harmony, she calls her 'Whore-money'. According to Aurora, in addition to being cheap, sleazy, and low-class, she's demanding, petty, and a liar. Harmony also enjoys parading around in the nude, especially when workmen are around. Aurora caught one of the gardeners mesmerized behind some bushes in the backyard, blower on full blast in his limp and motionless hand, watching Harmony strolling around the patio with a watering can. She pointed her big old butt toward the yard and bent over to give the potted fern a drink. Right. As if she cares about the wellfare of houseplants. He blew a big divot in the dirt and nearly uprooted a rhododendron.

So anyway, I was driving down the alley after picking up my 'evidence' when I noticed a chair that one of the neighbors had put out for the trash. It's a wooden side-chair, kind of curvy and delicate. The finish was slightly messed up and the legs were a little scratched but other than that it's in great shape. I don't know, but something about that little chair just called to me.

I've been so spun since moving here that I really haven't noticed my surroundings much. I guess deep down inside I thought it was only temporary and that Barney and I would reconcile. Yeah, sure, when monkeys fly out my ass.

My apartment complex is a little drab but in a great location, just a few blocks from the beach. Pinkberry (awesome frozen yogurt place) is walking distance and they have free wi-fi. Apparently we are supposed to get wifi here but it hasn't happened yet.

My place came 'furnished', if you can call it that. There's a tiny dinette set, cheap but all-wood in a not-too-obnoxious style. I bought a new mattress when I moved in - that I simply had to do with the bedbug problems in Los Angeles. There's a chest of drawers in lovely, virgin particleboard, a recliner (ugh!), and the piece-de-resistance - a stinky futon-style sofa with a tubular metal frame and stained poly-blend black canvas. Serious horror show.

I spent yesterday outside on the tiny postage-stamp sized patch of lawn in front of my door, painting the little chair. The sun was sinking low over the Pacific when I finally finished, but I have to say that it turned out pretty well. In fact, Kurt, my gay neighbor, saw me putting the finishing touches on it as he was coming home from work. He actually asked how much I would charge to paint a table in the same style! I mean, not counting art class in school, I've never painted a thing in my life. Kurt says I have a real talent for it. Who knew!?

Anyway, I told him that I'd do it for $50, plus materials. It's not much but it will help keep the lights on.

Recipes and Household Tips for the Recently Impoverished - Tip # 4

Want to induldge in some decorative painting awesomeness but don't have beaucoup bucks to invest in painting supplies? Not to worry, you probably have something just a good in the back of a cupboard or in the junk drawer. I started by applying a layer of white shoe polish. Don't worry if it doesn't cover completely - you're going for shabby chic. When it's dry, get the scrubber sponge from your kitchen sink and rub down the corners the edges to simulate wear. Let it dry then break out the box of old nail lacquers you've got shoved to the very back of you bathroom under-sink cupboard. In addition to the lovely pinks, corals, and reds, there should be some unfotunate choices like blue, green and purple, which you bought one day at the CVS when you were feeling age nipping at your heels. Lightly sketch a design in pencil then start applying the nail polish, working from lightest tones to darkest. Be sure to do this outside where passersby can see you and, hopefully, commission your work.

1 comment:

  1. You go Girrll!!! We feel your pain!!!

    By "we" I mean our little Club of the recently dispossessed by our scumbag husbands.

    We gather here at the local Starbucks on a Monday at noon, our "little support group," and we read the Craigslist job ads (you gotta be kidding), and wait for your blog to post!

    Seriously, we do. One amongst us get to read your comments out loud.

    It's amazing. I think you can be our spokesperson.