Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Muffin Top

I'm depressed beyond belief. My butt is carrying four extra pounds of lard, compliments of all the cheap carbs I've been eating from the 99-cent store. I'm not generally a compulsive eater but the combination of relative inactivity and processed pasta dinners has caught up with me. This is why every woman should wear her skinny jeans at least once a week. Muffin top won't show up in a pair of Juicy track pants. Not until it's too late, anyhow.

I know I must be getting boring vis-a-vis the 99-cent store but, really, it can't be experienced in one visit. Sort of like the Smithsonian. Today's haul included lean sliced ham, cabbage, garlic chili sauce, mozzarella cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, assorted spices and my favorite find - Crystal Light drink mix in grape favor. What makes it so awesome is that it uses just a smidge of sugar and stevia, no artifical sweetners. So, you can eat healthy even from the dollar store. My neighbor suggested Smart&Final for bulk purchases like coffee or whatever. I've never been there either.

It's funny, I've never had to think about grocery shopping. I mean, when I did go shopping I just trotted down the aisles and tossed stuff in the cart. I never looked at prices. Now it's a major feat of engineering to get the money and the food to both last until the next check.

I haven't gotten a call-back on the Universal City job but I did get part-time gig canvassing for the Republican Silverlake, no less. I thought they'd ran the last republican out of there in 1979. Apparently I was wrong. There were a few sighted last year and now It's my job to trudge up and down all those damn hills and flush them out. I need a dog that can sniff out guns and bibles. I really shouldn't be bitching about it - I'll knock off the extra pounds by next week.

Recipes and Household Tips for the Recently Impoverished #5
This week's recipe continues the theme of dollar store dining but is designed to reduce the circumference of your ass, not increase it. Ham Roll Ups are a classic dieter's lunch.

Start by placing several slices of lean ham side-by-side on a plate. Spread each slice with plain Greek yogurt. If you must use mayo, don't use the diet variety, you won't be satisfied and use no more than a half teaspoon for each roll up. Trust me, you'll taste it. Shred half a cabbage and put a generous heap on each ham slice. Reserve the rest of the cabbage for another meal. Top with sundried tomato slices - two per rollup - and a few cubes of cheese. Rule of thumb - use only a total of one ounce of cheese per meal. Drizzle with balsamic vinegar. Roll up and eat, preferably while standing at the sink so you can immediately wash up your plate, fill your water bottle. and get outside for a long, fat-fighting walk.

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